Write a Book?

This is me, my class picture when I was in 5th grade.  Big smile, but this was roughly the time when I was discovering Live wasn’t always fair or nice.  This was also the beginning of troubles that would follow me for decades, not entirely of my own making but largely the impact on me of my parents’ alcoholism (mostly my mother).

Over the years, off and on, I have considered writing a book. My early years were so incredibly fucked up, especially my teen years, that when I share some of the incidents that became part of who I am, people have told me, “Ray, you need to write a book.”  And, other people, when hearing the events of my youth, say “you shouldn’t talk about that.”

Okay, writing a book is a daunting task. What do I have to say? What message do I want to share? Who would benefit from my story?

And then there is another set of questions: Do I start at the beginning and write in mostly chronological order?  Do I pick a topic and follow the thread through overlapping incidents along the way?  Do I try to address all the many issues in my formative years?  Or just a random collection of short essays, each one independent and sufficient to stand alone if necessary?

And should it be a real book? Or maybe 500 words a week or every other week?  Or brief 10-12 minute weekly chats on YouTube?  Should I compile it and then present it as a finished volume, or make it subscription or on Patron?

Both of my parents were alcoholics, and they had their own mental health issues as well, which obviously had an impact on me when I was a kid and for some time afterward.  I don’t believe my father’s drinking and other issues put me directly in harm’s way (other than being emotional unavailable), but my mother’s drinking absolutely put me in harms way multiple times.

I’m not a relationship expert by any means, and I have no special advice to give to others who may have gone (or may now being going) through situations similar to mine.

Because resources in my youth were few and far between, mostly I am now a less-messy mess of a person than I was previously. If such things were available when I was in school, I would likely have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, and possibly somewhere on the autism spectrum.  But because those resources weren’t available back then, I have struggled most of my life and created my own coping strategies and survival techniques.  And I am pretty sure that whatever skills I may have developed on my own, these would not be the recommendations of professional child psychologists and other experts in creating emotionally strong, mentally stable, well-adjusted young adults today.

And, at almost 70 now, I realize I don’t have a lifetime ahead of me to figure it out.  It is weighing on me.